Recentering

I swore I'd avoid AI at all costs. As it became more normalized, I became more resistant. I steered clear of using it for a really long time, and then that changed on a dime when I opened my solo therapy practice. 

All of a sudden, the novelty of being a business owner and the fears that came with taking a leap of faith catapulted me into the depths of unknown territory. 

I STRONGLY DISLIKE the unknown. 

I seem to malfunction when it feels like there’s no solid ground beneath my feet. 

When I opened my practice, I felt like I was free falling. I knew this free fall feeling was not a sign that I had made a mistake or that I was out of alignment. This was a very aligned, thoughtful decision, albeit a scary one. 

The sense of free fall was, instead, what Brené Brown would label an FFT (a first f*#@ing time).

And so, what did I do in the abyss of this FFT? I did what so many of us do. I clung to what offered the illusion of certainty. For this particular circumstance, the illusion of certainty came through a reliance on AI. 

I began using AI to support me with writing, marketing, and answering confusing business related questions. (Important to note: I didn’t use it for anything client related). It was all the business stuff... I, in fact, did not go to business school. I went to therapy school.

My fears and anxieties were driving the bus completely during this FFT, this very new phase of my life. I wanted to work more efficiently. There was urgency in everything I did. I wanted certainty amidst all the uncertainty. I wanted to feel that I was on track and was going to survive this new thing. Makes a ton of sense. 

As you read this, you might be thinking… “Ok? So? Who cares? Literally everyone uses this now. You’re fine” and yes, heard, lol. And also, I didn't feel fine.

I noticed that grasping for certainty in this way made everything feel… off. I knew I was operating in ways that weren’t me. 

This entire experience served as a reminder of what it feels like for me to be out of alignment with who I am and who I wish to be. 

It isn’t always the case that we know we are out of alignment as it’s happening. Sometimes, it’s not until much time passes that we really feel it.

The more I do my own therapy work and engage with embodied practice (like yoga), the clearer I become on where my center is. The quicker I notice when I am off center.

Looking back there were some clear “tells” that I was out of alignment with who I am and who I want to be: 

• I got the ick 

• I felt a sense of urgency all the time 

• I felt depleted 

The “tells” were quiet at first, and then they got louder and louder, and eventually got so loud, I had to listen. 

I slowed myself down. I journaled. I went inward. 

I got really curious and asked myself: how do I want to show up in this new phase of my career and my life? 

The answer was clear: I wanted to show up in a really human way. 

I didn’t want to optimize. I didn’t want to be on trend. I didn’t want to add to the noise. 

To show up in a really human way, for me, means: 

• Expressing myself and the work I do in ways that don’t necessarily line up with how it “should be done”, but instead in ways that feel like me. 

• Experiencing more human connection, generally.

• Spending more time in nature.

• Connecting with local community. 

• All-in-all, more real life, human sh%$. Not AI.

I realize that if I stay anchored in these values, I can't go wrong. 

Sure, I may sacrifice “reach” as a solo therapy practice owner, but ultimately if what I feel I’m meant to do on this planet (which is to facilitate healing with others), I don’t need to reach thousands of people to do that. I can do that right here, in the communities I am in. 

It makes me remember how important hyper-local community is to me, especially at this point in the game. There are many folks out there, for whom far-spreading reach is really important. And I love that for them. There’s real value in that. I’ve gained so much knowledge from people who are reaching audiences far and wide. I’ve also gained so much from people who keep things hyper-local and are less “visible”. 

This is not a good or bad, right or wrong binary. It’s a personal inquiry. For me, I value depth over breadth in all that I do. I value our messy and imperfect humanity. If I can stay centered on these values in my career and in my life, it won’t necessarily be easy, but I know I can’t go wrong. 

As I write this, I don’t get the ick, I don’t feel depleted, I don’t feel a sense of urgency. 

In fact, I can breathe easier, I sit up a bit taller, and everything softens. What incredible tells that I am more in my center. I may get off center again, that's to be expected. And when that happens, my intention is to notice. To listen. To get curious. And when I can… to slow down… and recenter. Big exhale. 

Thanks for reading. 

Lots of love, 

Abby